Why does Mother's Day feel so painful when you're trying to conceive?

When you're TTC, Mother's Day is a constant reminder of a milestone you're working hard to reach but haven't yet. Every cycle that ends without a positive test is a form of grief, and a holiday that celebrates parenthood everywhere - in stores, on social media, at family gatherings - can make that grief feel impossible to escape. It's completely normal to find the day harder than you expected.

Is it okay to skip Mother's Day events when going through infertility?

Absolutely. Protecting your emotional wellbeing is not selfish, it's necessary. Declining a brunch, stepping away from social media, or spending the day in a way that genuinely comforts you are all valid choices. You don't owe anyone your presence when you're in pain, and setting that boundary is an act of self-care, not a character flaw. Finding a way to celebrate the Mother's you care about in your own way will help preserve relationships while supporting your own well-being.

When should someone seek therapy for grief related to infertility or IVF?

If you notice that difficult days like Mother's Day trigger a spiral that lasts well beyond the holiday itself, or if feelings of grief, isolation, or hopelessness are affecting your daily life, those are meaningful signs that extra support could help. Infertility is one of the most emotionally demanding experiences a person can go through. A therapist who specializes in fertility-related grief can help you process what you're carrying and build resilience for the road ahead.

When Mother's Day Hurts: Navigating Grief on the TTC Journey

When you’re trying to conceive (TTC) and your whole heart is set on becoming a parent, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day, can hit with the force of a freight train. The reason? Grief.

It may be hard to imagine that grief exists in the process of creating life, but it does. Grief isn’t limited to the losses we typically name, such as miscarriage and infant loss, it also lives in every cycle that ends with a negative pregnancy test. Whether you’re early in the journey and tracking ovulation, or deep in the process of IVF or another fertility treatment, these holidays that celebrate parenthood can be more painful than you ever anticipated.

And that’s okay. You are allowed to feel that.

Why These Holidays Feel So Impossible

The world does not make it easy to opt out quietly. From flower shop displays and brunch reservations to the relentless flood of tributes and announcements on social media, Mother’s Day is inescapable. Even a routine trip to the grocery store can become an emotional landmine when you’re already carrying the weight of hope and heartbreak in the same breath.

The same is true for Father’s Day - a holiday that often gets less attention in fertility conversations, but hits partners just as hard.

What makes these days especially complicated is that the grief of infertility is largely invisible. Many people navigate fertility struggles in silence, out of privacy, out of not wanting to field questions, or because of the quiet shame that our culture can unfairly attach to infertility. So you might find yourself at a Mother’s Day brunch, smiling and raising a glass, while quietly falling apart inside. That kind of hidden grief is exhausting in a very particular way.

It’s also worth naming something that often goes unspoken: the TTC journey can stir up complicated feelings about your own mother, or about the mothers in your life. Watching a sibling receive flowers from her children, or being asked by a well-meaning relative when you’re “going to start a family,” can layer additional pain onto an already tender day. There is no single way this holiday lands, and every person’s experience is shaped by their own history.

How to Cope with Infertility Grief During Mother’s Day

1. Make Sure You Have Support

You don’t necessarily need to be in therapy, though connecting with a therapist who specializes in infertility and fertility-related grief can make a real difference. At minimum, make sure you’re talking about what you’re experiencing with someone who understands: your partner, friends who are in similar positions, or even your own mother if that relationship feels safe.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Take Some Space

It is not selfish to skip a gathering, log off social media for the day, or spend the afternoon doing something that genuinely brings you comfort. As long as you find a way to celebrate the mothers in your life that you care about, you can maintain relationships without further suffering. Declining a Mother’s Day brunch invitation is not a character flaw. It is self-preservation.

3. Name What You’re Actually Grieving

One of the most powerful things you can do on a hard day is acknowledge what’s really happening. You are not being dramatic. You are not failing to be happy for others. You are grieving a version of your life you haven’t been able to reach yet - and that is a real, valid loss that deserves to be witnessed, especially by you.

4. Know When to Seek More Support

If days like Mother’s Day send you into a spiral that lingers well beyond the holiday itself, that’s a signal worth paying attention to. Infertility is one of the most emotionally demanding experiences a person can endure, and the mental and emotional toll deserves as much care as the medical side. Therapy, support groups, and communities of people who truly understand can make a meaningful difference in how you move through this.

You are not alone in this, even when it feels like you are. And the fact that these days hurt so much? That’s just love, looking for somewhere to land.

Ashley Mead, LMHC, specializes in fertility and perinatal mental health. If you’re struggling with the emotional weight of trying to conceive, reach out to learn more about fertility-focused therapy.